Welcome my lovahs, what’s this you ask? A nice glass of Roscato wine. Red wine that has a sweet taste like Mosacto. Simply delicious. This is what the doctor ordered. He said I could have about 10 of these. Who is my doctor? I can’t disclose that type of information so let’s just move on to the real deal. Yes, by the way that is a legit photo of me on my featured display when I was 16. I was exhausted can’t you tell?
I needed a good sip of wine to write this one. Grab yours and sit where you are most comfortable. A lot of you have been asking about my experience with being 16 and pregnant. To be honest I tried so hard to fit as much in but this post does me not justice. It is longer than usual but I truly hope this finds its way into good hands. Someone out there is going through it. I know how you feel mama.
I was in the hospital after hitting the windshield in a car accident and was in the process of getting an X-ray/ Catscan done. Obviously they have to check for pregnancies before doing this step. The doctor came in and told us since I was only 16 my mom needed to be in the room with me and then said “your test came back positive. You’re pregnant. You are about 12 weeks so you need to make sure you get some prenatal vitamins”. I didn’t even look at my mom. There was no “let me find a way to tell her, when will I tell her?” We found out together folks. I could feel her. I could feel the disappointment and I knew I broke her heart. That alone devoured me and I’m sure as she reads this she will flinch a bit at that memory. She could’ve just killed me right there y’all. I mean we were in the hospital already so why not. I was confused and I was scared. I was 16 and pregnant. The exact thing I said I would never be. I was a disappointment to myself. My mom made me tell my dad and he cried. I remember his face so clearly. I could never forget it and honestly I don’t want to. Since I no longer have him, the memories are so important to me. He cried and told me “well, this will bring the family together” and I remember thinking how? How could you say something so accepting after what I just told you. I never did get the chance to say thank you. By far one of the biggest regrets I will forever live with. My brothers were so upset but somehow it did bring us closer but that was short lived but only because of the relationship I was in at the time. My mom and I discussed options and I was open to what was best. I wanted to graduate. I wanted to be who I knew I could be and a mother was not it. I made a mistake. I remember we all sat at the table and you told me this was your child just as much as it was mine and I believed you. 10 years later you served your purpose and I forgive you. And you too.
The relationship was toxic. I remember finally realizing this and not doing anything about it but letting it consume me too. We get comfortable. I thought family meant through thick and thin. Babies are not supposed to grow up without a mom or dad apart. They need to be together. Ideally yes, we want to hold a family together for the sake of the child or just in general. They are in a home with both parents and it is stable. It’s the right thing to do.
Is it the right thing to do? Was it stable? Absolutely not.
Aidens birth was bitter sweet. I knew this was going to be hard but I wasn’t alone, I had somebody who would be around me all the time. A week postpartum and already threats of him being taken away from me started. I wanted to go home. I felt sick. I wanted my mom, Yup, I said it. I wanted my mom. I needed her. So I left but I always came back. I put Aiden in an unstable environment just because I was so lost. I didn’t realize he was the important factor. What is best for Aiden? I could never really answer that because I honestly never knew. I didn’t even know what was best for me. I was sixteen. Take a moment to think back at when you were 16 or if you are 16 right now. Can you imagine being a parent at this age? Aiden would throw tantrums. Hitting himself and he would get so angry. He would experience arguments and I could hear him scream. I was damaging my own child and I didn’t even know where to start as far as discipline or was discipline even the answer? And for who? I didn’t even know how to cook which I was made fun of often for, I didn’t know how to do laundry, I could barely think on my own two feet which people made me believe in what they thought was right. Yet, here I was trying to raise a person. I didn’t know a lot but I knew that money made doors open. It took me some time to save money but I worked three jobs at one point to make the income build faster. At one point my brother Jason sat me down and told me that my son needed me but I felt like we needed the money more. I remember feeling torn because my friends were able to go out and here I was trying to figure out a way to schedule immunizations that were way past due. I was very irresponsible. I felt like my days were speeding by and I couldn’t keep up. I failed yesterday as a parent, failed today and I’ll fail tomorrow because I can’t even get a grip of life. I felt defeated. Yet Aiden still loved me. He smiled every morning, afternoon, and night at me. He gave me hope.
Aiden was adorable when he would laugh but when he would cry, I felt like I wanted to cry too. It was too much for me. I wanted to focus on school, I wanted to keep going to dance class, I wanted to go out, I wanted to be free. I was naive. Little did I know Aiden was my freedom. He saved me from whoever I was going to be if I continued on that path. Some don’t change regardless of a child. I was lucky.
No more fighting in school (as much, being honest) cause I was afraid of losing him. What was I teaching him? Would he be this way? I grew out of a lot of bad habits. I slipped often but I would never stay down because I was afraid I would let him down. I made the best decisions I possibly could. I was selfish sometimes but he would always snap me back out of it. One thing for sure I never was without a job. I was a provider. I mean, I tried to be but being a provider makes you no parent. I missed so much while everyone else enjoyed him.
I had no goals at the age of 16 aside from being a dancer behind Brittney Spears lol. I would always tell people “I don’t need a plan B, I’m going to make it in dance.” I dropped the ball on that so many times because it was always a pick and choose. Not between Aiden and dance but other things that didn’t matter. At the time they did though. I remember going to Walgreens on Landstar and Aiden asking me for a pair of socks…$3.50 for ninja turtle socks. I told him no, cause I couldn’t afford it. Yes, I worked so much but my money was placed everywhere but where it needed to be. Overdrafts constantly, I learned to save money after that and manage it so much better. It was a mission for me. I wanted to do my nails. I wanted to splurge on clothing. I wanted to do what 16/17 year olds did. I set the goal of saving money from that day forward. I never wanted to see his face turn upside down the way it did ever again.
I started learning about credit and owning property, a car, etc. I had cars that would break down often and that sucked! So I started building my credit along with saving. I would enjoy a nice night out every now and then but I knew that was not to be abused. Was it hard? Yes I’m not even going to lie. I never got to enjoy it so when I did go out, I GO OUT lol. No shame. I focused on good times, good vibes. Being a parent so young helped me open my eyes to the REAL world. Now it wasn’t just me. Someone at home waited for me and I did well but the trouble was no longer outside my household. It was alive and well inside of it. That too changed after a while…because you deserved better Aiden.
Aiden is 1,2, & 3. My father would tell me I was 1,2, & 3 all the time. Life was no longer about me. It was and is about Aiden. I made a lot of decisions I felt were best for my son to the best of my ability. I am almost 30, I still question my parenting. I’ve done my best though. I tried to back when I was lost and I try to now. It snapped me into a reality that was so harsh. I allowed my smile to be ripped from my face by the people I thought cared the most for me. That was my problem though. I kept thinking of me…not of Aiden.
It is nerve wrecking putting myself out there but I do it because I know someone somewhere is going through or probably went through what I have experienced. I am a VERY private person (says the person who basically spills her life into these blogs) but I was young and naive. I was saved by a baby while being one. Whatever life had in store for me with no kids simply was not good enough. God had other plans. If I really went into details we would probably shed some tears. When bad people see their chance to manipulate they jump on it. People who should know better, like the adults around us at that time but I’ll drink my tea. I’m thankful God always had my back. The years of hardship were not unseen. My prayers were answered only after I learned the lesson. I thank God (& my mom) for never leaving me. I was given Aiden as a gift to help me. He grew up with me yet taught me SO much and our bond is just…different. Now I have a second chance at this parenting thing. God got me. He had my back at 16 and he has my back now.
Good luck my friends. Life is beautiful. Feel free to browse the Barr and get to know me a bit better. Until next week (shuts the lights off cause uhh I’m paying for these lights! ) but until then go check out my girl Chera in her fabulous world- COCOACHERA. Just click the name and I’ll meet you there!
#VanityKrystal – Photo Creds;
Gifts. See below ❤️