Picture moment – I’ve spent so many days looking outside cause I’ve never seen so much color before.
First post to reference to if you are joining in at this time is: 16 and Pregnant
First and foremost can I just say how thankful I am for each and every person who read my blog and shared it. I had well over 300 views the first two days of 16 and Pregnant being published. I received a nice amount of messages from people who I know and don’t know that told me how they felt relieved to not have been alone. They thanked me for being so open and some shared their story with me. Again guys I do not wish to be praised, I don’t think I’m Instagram famous (LOL), I am not looking for a hug and pity parties. This is my outlet and I want to know I, MYSELF am not alone. You are NOT alone. WE are not alone. I am thankful for the positive feedback, great vibes and all I ask is that you join me on Wednesdays for a lil’ milk and talk time lol. Please, if your intentions are to send negative vibes I suggest you go to the other tab for some Milkbarr Motivation or kindly exit my Barr. A lot of content will not be added and the posts may sound like its missing so many pieces but that’s because it is. Pieces I do not wish to share. Not yet at least.
As I said in the first post, trying to fit my experience of being 16 and pregnant in one short (but one of my longest)post will not work but I tried. A handful of people who are experiencing the same asked a few questions that I wanted to address out loud since they are the same questions from people who are just curious. After this post I will turn the page on to a new chapter because although I can laugh about it now and I share it with people who need/want to hear it, I like to let that part of me rest in peace. With that being said – Here. We. Go!
I got a job at a resort right up the street from my house a few weeks after Aiden was born. Legitimately had my friend Hector (Hector if you’re reading this, thank you a 100x for hooking me up) wait outside with Aiden while I went in, got the job and started working the next day. Both families did their fair share of helping in different ways at different times but Hectors family actually helped me IMMENSELY in the beginning. They were so good to Aiden and I. I stayed at that job for some time then moved on to the next which was an operator job and THAT is when it got really hard. I called out so many times from this job to the point where my boss at the time told me I couldn’t do it anymore, that I had to find the strength to come in and I did. I looked a HOT ass mess but I made it. As hard as it was, it helped being around other people. I was in another state of mind, slept all day, didn’t want to eat and I could barely focus on Aiden. It was hard for me to even fall asleep at night and when I did I would have nightmares. My bestie who was like a brother to me would have to fall asleep with me on the phone and call me first thing in the morning because it was a constant battle with anxiety. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. One minute I would be cool and one minute I would be in tears. I remember at one point being so out of it that my mom had to actually stay in my apartment with me. She said I slept walk to the door and I was mumbling something. Mom, remember when you told me how dark you felt my apartment was at that time? The energy was so heavy. People would come over and could automatically feel everything. I had Aiden living in this mess. All three apartments continued this but only now I realized that it was because I had a black cloud over me. I carried this cloud with me because I was use to the shade. I barely remember Aiden during those times. How was he? Did he smile often? Did he know I was unhappy? How did he feel? I have no answers but it kills me to think he felt what I felt. Did I ever cry in front of him? Guilty. He would lay his head on my thigh sometimes as I did. Proud of it? No but sometimes I couldn’t help it and that’s the truth. Dealing with a “relationship” if we can call it that, working more than one job with constant car issues, regrets of having a child, dad passed away and I held a lot of regret on that topic as well. I never said I was depressed because I know people who are battling depression and suffer 10x worse but I’ve thought about it. I still do. I just know I felt heavy. I was disappointed in myself and although Aiden was amazing, I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t know any better and I still beat myself up for it all the time. I felt like I wanted to give up ALL the time but I felt stuck. I think the reason why I find myself so quick to open this topic up for discussion is because it helps me too. I was and still am not a perfect parent and it bothered me that I even put Aiden in that situation. I’m not trying to throw this out carelessly because I know people who actually suffer from this on a more serious level but I would even tell close friends (and now you all) that I truly believe I suffer slightly from PTSD. I was in that situation for almost 10 years (yes TEN – People wait to see special shooting stars in that amount of time) and had a child at such a young age. It was ALOT. I still have nightmares almost every night and unfortunately I have carried a lot of it over into my new relationship (Ben is such a good sport, I am unworthy). Aiden suffered the most but he is such a well-rounded boy. He is so sweet and loving. His innocence never broke and he is the funniest kid I’ve ever had the pleasure of laughing with. He brightens up every room and to be honest he is too good for me.
10 years later, Aiden only 6 years old I believe and I was packing up my 3rd and final apartment. Moving out again and I was exhausted. I cried thinking I had to go right back to where I didn’t want to be and I received a text from one of my brothers. How serendipitous that I am packing up to move and my brother sends a text saying I was more than welcome to come stay with him if I ever needed it. He had no clue what was going on guys. I broke down right there. Leaned back on the wall and just cried. I was tired of being “strong”. I was tired of being prideful. I was just tired. I took him up on his offer. I continued to dabble in the situationship but out of fear that if I didn’t, maybe this time they would really take Aiden from me. At that point it would’ve been the 4th threat but I was wrong. I educated myself on how this system worked. Most importantly I saw how a change in the environment changed Aiden. I straightened up, found a solid job (even though I itched at times for a part time cause I mean, I’m a workaholic I can admit that), opened up to my brothers about the entire situation and for the first time in my LIFE- 25/26 years old- I felt safe. I had robbed myself from so much but I felt like I finally got something right. I was no longer the naive 16 year old girl they fed on. Aiden was no longer the “I feel sorry for that boy” child in the group. It took me a while but I finally got it and after holding pounds of regret on me from over the years I felt empowered. I felt proud of myself. I look at Aiden and he is just a miracle. I see his scars and he sees mine. “They said we wouldn’t make and guess what? We made it and we have them wondering how?” – Mary J Blige “Stronger”
If you are thinking to yourself – I’m confused! Wait but when? How? How long? When? That’s how it was being 16 and pregnant lol. Just a big ball of “WAIT WHAT?” Again, massive amounts of information are obviously missing. I tried my best to keep it on track with how it was to be a parent and not too far in the relationship aspect. I believe I have answered the questions for the select few who have reached out. It will be okay. You are not defeated and your prayers will not go unanswered. God works in perfect timing and although we may miss the bus several times, he will send another. No you’re not forgotten. Trust me. I know you can’t sleep, can’t eat, and can’t smile. You feel lost and filled with regret but trust me when I tell you it’s not forever. Also, no parent is perfect. We are just winging it lol. No matter how many books we read, videos we watch, doctors we talk to, NO PARENT IS PERFECT AND THAT IS OKAY. Just make sure each time you get up from that slippery slope, you dust your shoulders extra hard for me too 😀 You are beautiful, you are worthy and you are perfect. This is not the end.
I won’t say Good luck because I feel like that makes it sound like I’m rushing you off! Instead this time I will say stay strong. Work on that roar cause the time is coming when you will need it. Enjoy your babies because before you know it, they will be walking around at age 11 talking about “showering is not important” and “hugs are for babies!”
Please like this post if you’ve enjoyed it. Comments are appreciated and happily responded to. Thank you all who have shared my posts. The support is overwhelming! Please stay awhile and get to know me! If not, scurry on over to see Chera at COCOACHERA!
picture moment –
The featured picture is Aiden, my bestie Angie and I. One of the many times I had to run away home. Jillian thanks for taking this! I remember that night like it was yesterday.
Aiden all smiles in our 3rd and final apartment before moving in with my brother❤️ what a champ. 😍